Let’s see, what’s in the news today. HMMM. Lost is back, that's kinda fun. I heard that the Academy is thinking about giving an Oscar to the dead killer clown/broke back mountain kid, that's sweet. Oh look here’s something, we have a black president now. Well dip me in butter and call me Shirley, ain’t that the darndest thing, a black fella running the free world....
I know that everyone on earth is talking about this, so here at PDR we’re gonna try to avoid internet redundancy by not commenting too much on hsi first few days in office, but I speak for the whole staff when I say, “HOLY SHIT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS A BLACK DUDE!” This is amazing, and to be honest I’m still pretty shocked.
I live in Boston, which despite its Democratic history, is without a doubt one of the most racist places in America. There were vicious bloody and political battles here over school intergration as late as 1977-1978. That means just 31 years ago people in my hometown were fighting to keep white kids and black kids from being educated together. Only 31 years ago?! That’s a blink of an eye as far as progress is concerned. For Christ sake the Simpsons has been airing for 20 years. In my lifetime, my city has gone from having thousands of white Bostonions not be able to stomach the idea of sharing dilapidated books and classrooms with black kids, to help vote a brother into the White House. Un-fucking-believable. I’m legitimately floored and excited about the future of America, that hasn’t happened in a while.
Speaking of which, let me be honest and say that, in a weird kind of way, I’m gonna miss Bush. To rational Americans he was our Newman, but he was also so unbelievably inept that watching him was fun in a “what’s he gonna do this year” kind of way. Like your drunk, slightly racist grandma at a Christmas party, you didn’t agree with anything she said, but you were always curious to see what the crazy fucker was going do next.
Plus I made my living as a punk rock musician for his entire tenure as President. Do you know how much money we made exploiting that prick and his megalomania? Between all the songs, anti-Bush T shirts, patches, buttons, etc... the bastard practically paid my rent for a decade. He was like Regan and Thatcher rolled into one! The Exploited, Dead Kennedys, and their ilk from the 80s only wish they had someone like that in office when they were still relevant. Bad government makes for good punk rock, and I for one wasn’t gonna let W run the country’s name into the ground without getting my slice of the pie. No siree bob.
So it was with great joy, but a light tingling of remorse, when I watched Bush’s farewell address to the nation last week. No big surprises really… “We haven’t had a major terrorist attack under my regime…um I mean presidency. The Iraqi people are now free-er to indiscriminately kill each other over religion than they were previously, etc…” Pretty much everything you’d expect him to say. But while W. was waxing philosophical on his time as commander in chief I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was going to be some big revelation that somehow made sense of his presidency. Like he’d just dead pan to the camera and say something that would some how justify the past 8 years.
Of course nothing like that happened, and the more I thought about it I decided that the only thing that would truly make sense to me is if right after he said, “good bye and God bless,” Ashton Kutcher walked out from behind him laughing hysterically, with one of his trade mark trucker hats, poised ever so slightly askew, atop his pointy little head. The K-man would then throw his arm around Bush’s shoulder, while W tries in vain to stifle laughter, and blurt out: “YOU GOT PUNK’D AMERICA!!!” and then the two of them double over in hysterics. The staff members and press people there would all have that confused look on their face, look around the room until they see the hidden cameras and start to laugh too. “We got you guys good!!!” Bush would say, jumping up and down like an over excited child. “I can’t you believe you thought an elected official would do all that shit! I figured by the first 5 months you guys would’ve figured out that this was all joke but y’all kept on buying it so we just kept going!”
“And then… then… there was the second election?!!” he says, trying to calm down and wiping a few tears from his eye. “I thought the producers of the show were crazy to try to keep the gag going for another four years. I lost the popular vote but still somehow managed to stay on as president? How did you guys not see that one?! I love you America. You’re gullible as shit, but God damn I love ya anyway.”
At this point Kutcher, still struggling for composure, mugs his pouty little lips at the camera and over gesturing with his hands, chimes in: “Seriously, the second this guy started bugging your phones and sending your kids off to die, for like, no real reason, I thought for sure the cat was outta the bag! But you didn’t suspect a thing! Hook, line and sinker for two terms! So PUNK’D!!”
Then the cameras cut to live video footage of poor, displaced, black people in FEMA trailers outside New Orleans, unemployed autoworkers watching repo men carrying furniture from their foreclosed homes, and malnourished, Middle Eastern men in orange jump suits, wide eyed from fear and sleep deprivation at Guantanamo Bay. They’d all look a little confused for a second but then bust out with those big, goofy “you- got- me” grins and start shaking their heads and laughing.
And since it’s my fantasy, next the brown kid from That 70s Show would all the sudden show up from out of nowhere and start palling around with Kutcher. But right when the credits start to roll he rips of his stylish John Deere mesh hat to reveal a small turban and then shoots both Bush and Aston right in the fucking face. Turns out Fez was actually a contestant on an Al Jazzera reality/game show titled: “Who Wants to Win the Heart of America, Fuck Lindsay Lohan, Then Bring Death to the Infidels?’.
I hate reality tv but I’d watch that show in a heart beat… that Lindsay is such a train wreck.
So yeah that last 8 years have been that nuts, here’s hoping for a better new year. Keep trucking America.
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