Mayor McCheese, we hardly knew thee

I've been freelancing for the McDonald Land Times lately, here's a piece I'm proud of....

Phinnaeus Marshall McCheese, the much loved yet sometimes controversial 13 term Mayor of McDonald’s Land, died earlier this morning of apparent heart failure. McCheese was 51 years old.

Mayor McCheese, a born McDonald’s Land native, is already being heralded by many as the greatest elected official in the history of fast food inspired fantasy worlds and will be sorely missed by all those he left behind.

McCheese’s rise to political power was as inspirational as it was improbable. Despite being born into extreme poverty and the product of a substandard public educational system (not to mention overcoming the social stigma of being born with a cheeseburger for a head), McCheese defied the odds and pulled himself up from the mean streets of McDonald Land ghettos to become the city’s longest running mayor. Born the son of poor immigrant parents, McCheese learned early in life the value of hard work. When his father was laid off from his janitorial job at McGlobo Corp. (the scientific company best known for its extensive studies to determine exactly what “The Grimace” is) young Phinnaeus got an after school job at the tender age of “rare” to help ends meet around the house. After graduating with top honors from McDonald Land High, McCheese was granted a full scholarship to Burger University where he majored in political science and obtained his degree in liberal arts and milk shake studies in just two years.

Post-graduation McCheese made two unsuccessful runs for city council as the voters of his district deemed him unfit for office largely due to the fact that he was thought to be too young, too inexperienced, and he had a burger as a head and face. Despite the wide spread discrimination of the time against food-skulled citizens, McCheese continued to campaign and saw his first big break in 1978 with the passing of the “food people initiative” which finally granted McDonald Land citizens with food products for body parts the right to vote. That year food people flocked to the polls in record numbers and McCheese easily won a seat on the council in an upset victory over the incumbent council member Dr. Von Happymeal.

After four successful years on the council McCheese began his now famous “Take Back Our Streets” campaign in his first bid for mayor. His platform was based mainly on right wing issues like being tough on crime and a call for a return to “family value meals.” The climate of McDonald Land at the time was that of fear and McCheese’s promises of safer streets struck a chord with voters. Citing the burglarization of hams by dangerous criminals like the aptly named hamburglar as the “the ills of our society that must be cured,” McCheese’s hard-nosed tactics and “three strikes you’re lunch” policies won him a landslide victory.

McCheese’s long run as mayor wasn’t without controversy however. In the mid ‘80s he came under fire for using an insensitive racial euphemism to describe potato fried people, when a local paper quoted him referring to a group of young McDonald Landers as “those damned lazy fry guys.”

Also, later in his career, McCheese gathered criticism when he

unsuccessfully tried to have himself appointed Mayor for life.

“The ‘mayor for life’ bid really hurt Phinneaus’s standing with the public,” said long time campaign financier Early Bird. “I mean as great of a mayor as he is, he has to remember that McDonald Land is a democratic state and that the will of the people must be heard, not dictated by a lone official. I think the bloody coup that ousted the Burger King late last year is poof enough for most people that burger monarchies don’t work.” Ms. Bird said at the time of the controversy.

Despite these set backs, for many citizens McCheese will always be remembered as McDonald Land’s beloved mayor. A public funeral will be held at town hall on Tuesday. In an ironic twist it is also the same day a scheduled unveiling of a statue of the late mayor was set to be dedicated outside McDonald Land Public School 158, where young Phinnaeus was a student nearly 40 years ago.

Ronald McDonald, popular local clown and award wining sculptor, designed the statue complete with a slide and compartments in the statue’s head for small children to play in while they pay tribute to the recently deceased mayor. “I wanted to capture not only the pride and dignity that Phinnaeus brought to the office of Mayor of McDonald Land, but also to create a place for our young people to be able to hang out inside a plastic, cheeseburger-shaped head." McDonald said. "That to me really defines his work and speaks volumes about what he did for us as a public servant.”

The McCheese statue, which will be unveiled Tuesday, is said to closely resemble McDonald’s “Whopper of a Copper” memorial (pictured left) which was created in honor of Officer Big Mac, tragically killed in the line of duty during The McNugget riots of the early ‘90s